Sunday, March 9, 2008

Coming out of the darkness

hey world i am back. almost one year to the day i went into hiding. Most people didn't notice. So what. I am back and that is all that I care about. Most people don't realize that depression is a very scary thing ... you can't talk to people ... you feel alone....and you feel judged by everyone. I fell into a very deep bout of depression. I am talking the most happy things in my life didn't feel worth it. I became a puppet that someone else was telling me what to do. I couldn't follow through with anything. I had every intention of fulfilling all my obligations but suddenly i became frozen. what if i wasn't good enough. what if people didn't like what i did. I became almost manic in spending , people would love me if i bought them things, Let me tell you i spent alot of money. Meaning I went through my savings like a bat out of hell. Fabric busting didn't happen for me... my favorite fabric store was at times my own demon or angel. one day i was feeling completely out of touch with reality and i walked in there and spent an extremely amount of money ....I won't say here in case DH actually reads this and i don't need that to come up. lol I bought a car , I had laser eye surgery, helped buying my son's car, paid off some loans,bought a memory craft 110000, enough thread to take me through to the next century, ate enough food to put on another 20 pounds. I shopped online , I ebay shopped. and i quit going to native ceremonies for a bit.
Next thing i know i am slowing down and i started to quit buying things to fill up that hole inside of me. I started to think that I might not be such a bad person. I figured out again that I am the only one that needs to love me. I started to sew again. I realized I can live on my own make decisions that I feel are best for me. I started to enjoy the treasures I bought (STASH) because of the amazing colors that I picked. Ideas started to gell in my brain and I began doodling again. Then the pictures and drawings that I did. the process of how to make them into fabric art. The foundling of fabric make me feel good actually made me feel good. While I was sick all it did was make me feel guilty that I was alive.
I am no longer hiding in the darkness and back in the world of amazing color and i relish it , I sing out of tune (poor people around me) I dance and jiggle my big old butt around the house and I am letting myself be silly. Oh and I rescued a sweetie pie pomeranian and she loves me, meet Taco


swooze said...

Hey girl!! I am so glad you are back to blogging. I am not sure what the heck I did but I somehow deleted your blog from stashbuster webring. Please re-join and I will get you back in asap! Welcome back! I do care.

Quilting Diva said...

Glad to hear that you are back Lynn. xoxoxo